I guess it's about time.
Now, whatever you read happened a long time ago, and I have learned my lesson. So if you're wondering if I'm ok, in this aspect, I am... In other areas, I guess I'm a work in progress. LOL. So yes Ma and Pa, just in case you get to read this, please don't worry because I know better now.
I decided to write this post because of everything that's been happening.. the Stanford Rape case, defense to cat calling, viral facebook posts. I swear, I should stop reading comments.
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There's a facebook post going around about a girl being harassed by people she knew and even considered one of them as her friend. I don't know the whole story and I don't know the people involved, but as usual the thing that pisses me off are the comments.
1. You could have left the car (or other things that she should have done)
2. You were laughing in the video, how can you say they were harassing you? (there was an 8sec video inside the car where the victim was laughing)
3. She shouldn't have dressed that way or partied too hard.
Non-verbatim, but basically how I understood them (then again, being misconstrued and taken out of context are rampant these days, but I digress).
Sooooo let me tell you a story, I've been harassed before. It was a looooooooong time ago, but it actually happened several times. And you know why? BECAUSE I ALWAYS BLAMED MYSELF. I always thought that it was because of how I acted, or how I dress, or I always thought that I lead them on, or because I drank too much, or because of my insecurities (they make me feel wanted and special, etc) and I even apologized to some of them when they look disappointed that I was not as "game" as they thought I was. Also this:
I also continued whatever communication I had with one of my abuser, because he was a friend. There were happy and memorable moments. I thought friendship is as important to him as it is to me. And again... BECAUSE I BLAMED MYSELF. I pretended that everything was ok, or that nothing happened. I was always good at that. I laugh at the presence of tension, of fear. I smile when faced with something that I don't know how to respond to. Those are some of my default reactions.
I shrug everything off because I THOUGHT if I pretended to be ok, everything will be back to normal. He went back to normal, I didn't.
I have friends who had similar experiences, harassed by people who they thought was a friend, people telling them that it was probably their fault, or that they could have avoided it, etc. I wish I knew what to tell them, how to comfort them, but I don't. I can't even tell them that I experienced almost the same thing.
Funny though, it was through the internet that I learned that I shouldn't BLAME MYSELF, that I should love myself. So yeah. Thank you internet. Imagine, it took the internet (not my family and friends) to teach me that no means no, or thatit's ok to you can say NO. You know why? Because we don't talk about these things and it's not easy to talk about sexual abuse, especially when we see how much victims are blamed and judged.
I actually did not want to talk about my experience (so please, don't ask any more details), but I just wanted to point out that it happens more often than we know, to people close to us, in different situations, and we should do something about it. Maybe instead of telling people what to wear or do, we should start teaching people not to take advantage of other people.
And if you need someone to talk to about sexual abuse, you can talk to me. I can provide a listening ear, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. No judgement. No shaming.
---
As for my friend, well he isn't in my life anymore. I purged all of my toxic friends years ago and obviously he was one of them.
Now, I love myself more. I know I'm worth more than what I think. It wasn't easy but I'm better now. Also I choose my friends wisely. I'm in a good place. :)
I decided to write this post because of everything that's been happening.. the Stanford Rape case, defense to cat calling, viral facebook posts. I swear, I should stop reading comments.
---
There's a facebook post going around about a girl being harassed by people she knew and even considered one of them as her friend. I don't know the whole story and I don't know the people involved, but as usual the thing that pisses me off are the comments.
1. You could have left the car (or other things that she should have done)
2. You were laughing in the video, how can you say they were harassing you? (there was an 8sec video inside the car where the victim was laughing)
3. She shouldn't have dressed that way or partied too hard.
Non-verbatim, but basically how I understood them (then again, being misconstrued and taken out of context are rampant these days, but I digress).
Sooooo let me tell you a story, I've been harassed before. It was a looooooooong time ago, but it actually happened several times. And you know why? BECAUSE I ALWAYS BLAMED MYSELF. I always thought that it was because of how I acted, or how I dress, or I always thought that I lead them on, or because I drank too much, or because of my insecurities (they make me feel wanted and special, etc) and I even apologized to some of them when they look disappointed that I was not as "game" as they thought I was. Also this:
 |
| Not mine, but important. |
I shrug everything off because I THOUGHT if I pretended to be ok, everything will be back to normal. He went back to normal, I didn't.
I have friends who had similar experiences, harassed by people who they thought was a friend, people telling them that it was probably their fault, or that they could have avoided it, etc. I wish I knew what to tell them, how to comfort them, but I don't. I can't even tell them that I experienced almost the same thing.
Funny though, it was through the internet that I learned that I shouldn't BLAME MYSELF, that I should love myself. So yeah. Thank you internet. Imagine, it took the internet (not my family and friends) to teach me that no means no, or that
I actually did not want to talk about my experience (so please, don't ask any more details), but I just wanted to point out that it happens more often than we know, to people close to us, in different situations, and we should do something about it. Maybe instead of telling people what to wear or do, we should start teaching people not to take advantage of other people.
And if you need someone to talk to about sexual abuse, you can talk to me. I can provide a listening ear, or a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. No judgement. No shaming.
---
As for my friend, well he isn't in my life anymore. I purged all of my toxic friends years ago and obviously he was one of them.
Now, I love myself more. I know I'm worth more than what I think. It wasn't easy but I'm better now. Also I choose my friends wisely. I'm in a good place. :)
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