Body non-issues (well hopefully)

I love going to the beach. I love getting burnt by the sun with a beer on my hand and my friends around. But every single time, I get insecure of my body. I mean you feel people staring at you like you have no right to be there wearing that expensive 2-piece you bought on sale (because hello, plus size swimsuits aren't really that accessible), you see girls that are thin and have that perfect thigh-gap that the media has portrayed to be sexy, and you feel like you're offending people by wearing what you want.

I try to be confident, but of course people around you can be mean sometimes. I get called fat, even by my people I look up to. And when people call me fat it sounds as if they pity me or saying it as if they're disappointed in me... just because I'm fat (like my other credentials don't matter). So I get disappointed in myself too. There were things that I would do just to feel beautiful and wanted and then hate myself afterwards (thank the heavens above I'm over that phase now). Self deprecating humor actually helps me to be overcome my issues, maybe if people laugh they'd forget about the other thing. But sometimes it convinces me that maybe it's right for people to make fun of me (except for some people who I know would see past through the size).

Thanks to the internet, everything's accessible. While it does makes us lazier and technology dependent, it also makes us aware of what is going on around us. Like how the viral videos like the ALS Bucket Challenge, made us aware of what ALS is (which I had no idea what it is a few months back), how social media helped us during calamities, Robin Williams death opened a lot of talk regarding depression, how anonymity gives a lot of people the right to be stupid and ignorant, how you can read a blog post or a comment that would make you realize that you are not alone.

I recently encountered the hashtag #fatkini. While browsing the pictures, the first thing I saw was women who are happy with what they're wearing no matter what size they are, and I actually enjoyed looking at their swimsuits and wanted some for myself. I know some people may judge them or shame them, but I would love to think that they don't care. It made me think about my own body. How ladies bigger than me can actually go out and claim it. How they'd rather enjoy the sun and time spent with friends than be conscious of what other people would think. What I admire the most is the courage to start this campaign despite knowing what other people may think. "When we move away from 'you're not fat, you're beautiful' and into 'you're fat and beautiful,' that's when you know that we're starting to win battles." It made me realize that maybe I should stop waiting for the right time and really learn to accept and love whatever form my body is right now. If they can, why can't I?

It took me how many years to stop wearing a shirt while swimming, and as much as I love my tan, I still wear shorts when sunbathing. It also took me years to enjoy wearing shorts, skirts and dresses (but I guess that's another blog post). If I wait a few more years to wear a bikini at a crowded beach confidently, when would that be? Of course I would love to be more fit. I TRY to eat right and work out, even if I love to sleep and eat out. But how long do I have to wait before I truly learn to love my own skin? I know it won't be easy considering how people easily shames other people for not being "ideal" and also because of my insecurities. I have to start somewhere to learn though, so I started last weekend, and I loved it :)

On a side note: Maybe we can teach other people to be less "bastos" than to tell people to stop wearing what is comfortable to them just to prevent people from disrespecting them. If wala kang modo, kahit anong damit isuot ko, wala ka pa rin modo.


  1. Nice one Abi! :) Namiss tuloy kita, hmp!

    1. I miss you more te!! :(((

  2. Ay, fat pala tayo? Hahahahahha! In denial phase pa ako. Darating rin ako sa phase na to. Yung nagtrtry. Ulit. Hahaha!

    1. Baka asa big boned phase ka pa. Hahahah ang tagal ko dun eh. Take your time. Malay mo di ka na umabot sa phase na to. Heheheh

  3. Teresa Jennifer9:08 PM

    I'm so proud of you te abs! Lablab! Sobrang saya mo lang nung weekend, di ko naisip ever na may issues ka pala. Ikaw kaya ang nagturo sakin na magtanggal din ng mga patong patong pag nagbibeach! HUUUUG!

  4. Go Abs! :) Love your posts - it shows how brave, insightful and smart you are. More more!


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