Two Oh One Seven 💗

Oh hey! January's almost ending and.. and.. I don't know what happened. Oh wait, 2017 happened.

2017 was better than I imagined it to be. It started a bit down and then slow but ended with a bang. I have never appreciated rainbows as much as I have appreciated them last year. You truly can't have a rainbow without a little (or a lot) of rain. Bear with me. LOL.

I know I wasn't the best person back in 2016, and it has probably made an impact on my relationship with people close to me. And that affected my 2017 too. Something happened and it made doubt myself as a person. Was I not good enough? What did I do to deserve this? Do I deserve this? When did it start? Am I a bad person? Do other people feel the same way? And so many other questions.

So I did what I usually do during times like this, I diverted my attention and I focused on other things to keep my mind sane. 😅

Work has been well. What supposed to be a 6 month contract, ended up with a couple of months extension. I guess it means I'm doing something good (yay for positivity! I've been told I've been selling myself short). I'm learning new technologies and it's actually nice to be back to being a developer. It's a great way to refresh and update my skillset.

Meeting new people was actually the hardest part last year. It's been a while since I've reached out to anyone to get to know them, but of course it was because I already have friends around me. Obviously the situation now is different, and I needed to go out there. I am very insecure and scared of being judged (also considering what happened, I was actually afraid of opening up again). What do we talk about? What about my accent? What if my interests are too shallow? What if they don't like me? As you've noticed, I worry too much. But I'm so glad I did not let my worries stop me. So far, it has introduced me to people who can inspire me to do and be better, who are from different background and culture, who opened my world to different experiences and ideals, and who I can call friends. While the internet makes the world smaller, talking and spending time with these amazing people made me realise that it's still a big world out there, but somehow we're all the same, yearning for the same things. Does that make sense?

I had also been practicing mindfulness more often. A great way to take care of your mental health. In the process, I learned a bit on how I could manage my emotions and worries after trying to hide or disregard them. I also learned to be kinder to myself.

By practicing mindfulness, I was able to face what I was running away from. I mean, I am in the process of accepting the situation and it isn't easy, but I'm getting there (thankfully). Also a big help was Paolo Coehlo's Closing Cycle and the Prayer for Serenity (and knitting). I've also been on the other side of this story before, so I guess I somewhat understand, and if they're happier and peaceful this way, then I have no right of ruining it, but be happy for them. I should also find happiness and peace myself. We need more happy people in the world. You carry your own weather.

Joined the gym as well. Nothing interesting here. 😒 But hey, at least I'm a bit health conscious now? 

I ended 2017 (and started 2018) by visiting home!!! 18 months seems like years not being with my loves. It was so good to see family and friends and to spend time with them finally. I had a lot of worries before my trip, but it ended up better than I expected. It also made me realise that the worries and doubts I have about myself are just that, worries and doubts. There are people who are ready to accept me flaws and all and I shouldn't let the opinion of few affect how I view myself. I also had new appreciation for the people around me and the power of hugs. The love and support I felt is enough to fuel me for the coming months. I could tell you a whole lot about that trip, but I guess my main take away from that short vacation is I'll always have a HOME 🏡. It was the best way to end the year.

I started 2018 drinking, a ritual among few friends. I started 2018 full of warmth in my heart. I started 2018 rejuvenated and loved. I started 2018 loving and appreciating myself more than the last time. I am thankful for what 2017 has taught me, but most of all, I am thankful that I was able to start 2018 at all. I hope everyone of us has found their rainbow.


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