Hello Random Updates

So I finally deactivated my Facebook account. Yay? Did not know it was this hard. LOL. I plan to come back after the May elections. Deactivating it made me realize how much time I spend scrolling and browsing my feed and falling for click bait articles. It's been.. I think a bit more than 2 weeks and I'm actually getting a hang of it (thank you snapchat for keeping me company).

How am I? If you ask me, I'd probably say I'm ok. But guess what? I'm really not sure. LOL. Probably just want to avoid a discussion on how I am a work in progress with anyone. This is probably the hormones talking (I effin cried during Les Miserables, almost ugly cry but fortunately I was too sleepy to fully emote) because until recently I really felt fine. Having a journal did help during down times but when I read my entries after recovering, I cringe. Haha. I wanted to dispose my journal, but that would be a waste (ang mahal ng starbucks no, kahit na di naman ako lahat gumastos. Haha).

It's been crazy year and it just started. It's probably about all the changes I have to go through this year and thinking of things (both tangible and intangible) that I need to leave and let go. I mean if you want to start over, it's better to start fresh right? But for someone that clings so hard to things around her, it's a bit of a struggle. Also the idea of starting over is overwhelming. Like I am not sure how I'll be able to handle situations that I'm not used to.

Contrary to popular belief (feelingera AF), I don't see myself as a strong independent woman. I try so hard to be one that it's actually tiring, because it's more of a need to be one rather than actually be one. I'd rather be immature and void of any responsibilities. But obviously, that is not a good idea especially with how things are right now. I need to be strong, rational and independent.

I also sometimes feel lonely. It's not because I am alone, because I am lonely even if I'm with other people, that it's better to be alone. Sometimes I just want someone to be there. They don't need to say anything, but just be there, probably take care of me (heh), or just be with me when I want to curl up into a ball and cry, hide in a fort blanket, look at the stars, or I want to ramble endlessly, etc (hormones, I tell you)... Not just as a one time thing or just because they're free and have nothing to do, but because they want to be there for me. I guess after several years, I'm still a selfish bitch who just wants companionship (hello Multiply post reference LOL). I find it hard to open up to people though, because most them are having their own crisis (they probably have it worst), having the time of their life (I don't want to be a debbie downer), eventually won't constantly be there (because really, why open up at all?) or worst, don't really care. So yeah, I guess I'm stuck. LOL.

Again, this is just one of those few days. I am not always like this. Most of the time I'm in a good mood. I actually wanted to write something about International Women's Day, but I felt like I wasn't in a good position to post something positive and inspirational. Thus, this lonely lonely blog post. LOL.

Like an entry I wrote in my journal (naaaks):
I have always wondered why it's easier to write about pain. I guess it's because pain is relatable. Almost everyone can relate with the feeling of disappointments, heartbreak, anger, and lost. Not everyone can relate with being in love, passion, success, and euphoria. I guess that's what differentiates good writers from bad ones... the ability to convey happiness as if it was happening to the reader.
Hopefully I can write about something good soon. Because I'm really looking forward to this year. I swear, amidst all the emotional shiz that I'm feeling, I really feel that it would be a good year. O diba? Positive pa rin ang ending. Good job Abigol!


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