Dear 2015

Dear 2015, I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I thought that time flew fast. I'm sorry for looking forward to 2016 so much that I forgot to thank you.

It has been one hell of an amazing roller coaster ride.

... which I say every year.

Dear 2015, there were times where I was an emotional wreck and was too proud to admit it. I cry at the smallest things, and remembering trivial things makes me laugh out loud. Sometimes I'm too lazy to go out (or even just take a shower) that I'd rather stay in my room and snooze the day away. Other times, I wish I had friends to hang out with that don't live so far away and are always available.

I haven't really met anyone new this year. Yes, I have met a lot of new people, but not really on a personal level. It's tough to make new friends, especially when you're at this age. I also find it hard to open up to and trust people. Really hoping to be more open next year though.

Dear 2015, You know what I hated most about you? There were times I felt so unappreciated, and unimportant. I know I wasn't, but I hated myself for feeling that I was. Do you fucking know how hard it is for a girl to be secure and love herself? I hated myself for seeking validation from other people or places. And hate leads to another thing to hate. That's why I have tried to avoid hating myself or anything, because it's toxic. I don't want to be toxic. I dread being toxic. Ugh.

But you know what? It's okay. I'll be ok. I've been through it with other years too, 2012 or 2013 I think was the worst (or was it 2003?). It sucked at first, but I became better. So I'm sure I can get over this again. Time and time again, you never fail to remind me that it all boils down to me, my mindset, my actions.

Dear 2015, what we had weren't all that bad. It was mostly great actually. I have done things I thought I'd never do, faced my fears, crossed a few items off my bucket list, almost died (might be a bit of exaggeration), feared one of the things I loved most, but eventually conquering this fear all for love (and dreams). Probably my most fearless year to date! <3

I remember telling a friend that I travel to escape, but I do not know what I'm running away from. I wish I knew because I'd like to send my utmost thanks. You see, I traveled a lot this year. I discovered places, tried authentic and exotic food, spent time alone in a strange place where I don't know anyone, overcome language barriers, jumped off a building, dived (for fun, but still), stalked babies, experienced snow, etc. It was great to see and try new things. Travelling makes you see things in a different perspective. It was refreshing and needed (mostly wanted though). Palawan, Bohol, Hongkong, Vietnam, South Korea. It was not that much, but it has been the best travel year for me so far.

Dear 2015, I learned a lot of good things about myself this year. I learned that I can talk to strangers, find my own way, appreciate silence, appreciate company, appreciate history, see beauty in things that I used to ignore, can have a positive outlook, and that I am beautiful in my own way.

I also learned how to take my time, breathe, let go, be organized, be impulsive, be young, be selfish, be caring, be brave, and believe in myself (I just need to be consistent, but consistent is boring don't you think?).

Best thing I learned was that changes can be good. I was so used to what I thought was constant, that I forgot that the only thing inevitable is change. Change in people, routine, dynamics, responsibilities, etc. Change scares the hell out of me. I tend to clam up and be in full defense mode every time I see change. Too scared that it might take me 2 steps behind. But I realized that changes can also take you 2 steps forward. So I'm looking forward to more changes.

It's never ever too late.

You also had prepared me for 2016. Imagine, if everything was going well, I wouldn't have taken that leap of faith that would make 2016 probably the scariest and most exciting year ever (well I don't want to get ahead of myself, but OMG CHANGE). You surrounded me with people that believed in me and gave me support to pursue something that I never thought was possible.

We had our ups and downs, and I want to thank you for that. You did not disappoint. I think I'm equipped emotionally (I do wish you have equipped me financially too, but yeah, my fault) to face whatever 2016 has in store for me.

With much love,
Abi